Episode 1: Divine Providence
Now to tell the truth, I found it hard to gauge a first impression on Jesus. He was calm as a Hindu cow at least half the time, but he had an edge to 'im, like anything could set 'im off at any time. At first I thought it was just me. Like maybe there was something about me that rubbed him the wrong way. But he said he liked me and that he wouldn't have jumped in a truck with a guy he didn't like. Still though; he had a funny way o' showin' it.
"Do you think you're special?" he asked me.
"No," I told him, and I couldn't help but feel like he was havin' a go at me.
"No, you don't. You think you're like everybody else?"
"Well what do you suppose everyone else is like?"
"Exactly! That's why I like you, Delmer."
"The name's Cal. I think I told you that."
"You know what Peter's name was?" he asked.
"It wasn't Peter?"
"No. It was Simon. But I didn't like that name, so I called him Peter. Now they don't say, 'Simon's gonna be waiting for you at the Golden Gate,' now do they?
"I s'pose not."
"No. They say, 'Saint Peter at the Golden Gate.' That's got a nice ring to it, don't you agree?"
"I can't say it makes any difference to me."
"Trust me. I've got a knack for this kind of thing. Branding, Delmer. That's what it's all about. How do you wanna go down in history?"
"I don't," I said. "Why would I want to go down in history?"
"Exactly! That's what I like about you, Delmer. You know you're just a guy. You don't think you're going to be famous or a millionaire. Most people out there think they're it."
"It?"
"Don't ruin this special feeling for me, Delmer," he said. "It. You know: chosen, special, or just plain exempt from the rules of reality. Do you know how many people out there think that they're somehow going to escape death? Or how many of them think they were actually born believing in me? I don't even want to get into that stuff. People who think they can be shitty to each other and just shout my name over and over again and that'll make it all better. I specifically said to love your enemy. I specifically said to turn the other cheek. What did I say about casting the first stone?"
"Wasn't it something like, 'Let he who is without sin-"
"I said don't do it!"
"Now calm down, Jesus. It won't do you any good to get all fired up about it."
"I'm sorry. You're right. I've just got a bunch of judgmental pricks out there screwing up my brand. You know what the problem is?"
"No, sir."
"Yes you do. They're stupid, Delmer. People in general are stupid. And you already know that. That's why you're smart. That's why I like you. And that's why I get so pissed when you ask stupid questions."
"I'm not sure I follow." I said.
"It's all right. You don't have to, Delmer."
"The name's Cal."
"No it's not."
